


Rest for the Wicked

by ChippedCat



Series: The Vessel AU [2]
Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Adora Needs Therapy (She-Ra), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bow is sad, Catra (She-Ra) Needs a Hug, Coma, F/F, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Open but happy ending, Prime!Catra, Psychological Trauma, RIP Glimmer, implied catradora, reality is a lie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-16 08:48:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28579269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChippedCat/pseuds/ChippedCat
Summary: Catra feels empty. She can't decide if it's a good or bad feeling.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Series: The Vessel AU [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2088624
Comments: 20
Kudos: 43





	Rest for the Wicked

**Author's Note:**

> Here's another one of these. I wanted to do a lot more with this (like explain literally anything about this completely new planet everyone lives on) but I didn't want to infodump in a story that focuses on Catra's trauma. I didn't feel right doing that.  
> Before you head in, be advised that   
> 1) this is a sequel to another story of mine, so read that first or this will make no sense.   
> 2) There is a brief allusion to a failed suicide attempt by Catra (she gets dysphoric and tries to jump out a window). It is in no way graphic or glorified or anything like that, but do be aware that is in here.  
> 3) this story has similar elements to a work called "Empty Vessel" by Milly_Blank, but the only similarities are that Catra is recovering from being Prime's vessel. So if you like that premise, go check out that story too, it's pretty good. (you can find it in the Prime!Catra tag)  
> On that note, please enjoy

Catra spent her days dreaming. She lived in a fantasy world of alien pets, magical kisses, and unimaginable amounts of forgiveness. It was a pipe dream, a world where she could live without it hurting—a world where Adora loved her back.

Some days, she didn’t know she was dreaming. She let herself get lost in that beautiful wish where Adora took her hand and never let go. They saved the world together, lived together, spent every day together. They made up for lost time and it was all Catra had wanted for years. When she started to question, really took a good look around and see the cracks in the façade, sometimes she would simply overlook them. Let Adora kiss her and make it all better until she fell back into the Dream, content.

Other days she fought. In the back of her mind, she always knew the Dream was too good to be true. Sometimes when she was aware enough to see it, she fought back, fighting for consciousness while Fake-Adora and her fake friends tried to calm Catra back down. If she fought hard enough, the Dream would glitch out and she would be in the Green Place, that place deep in her head where she was aware but unable to move. Out of control of her own body. 

Catra hated the Green Place more than anything. It was loud and cold, and Catra could feel her body even if she couldn’t manipulate it. Being that aware burned like acid was running through her veins. Her body _hurt_ ; it wasn’t meant for what Prime was doing to it. Worst of all, she could hear Prime taunting her, reminding her why she was in this mess in the first place. He recounted her worst mistakes in his horrible booming voice while she floundered, blind and burning. Catra stopped resisting the Dream after a few visits to the Green Place. Fake happiness was much better than the half-consciousness she would get stuck with for resisting.

Still, occasionally when Prime was in a bad mood, he would wake her up on purpose, dragging her from her happy life with Fake-Adora to watch her blister in the Green Place. He would taunt her, remind her that her happy little dream was a gift from him and that he could make it into a nightmare at the slightest whim. At the time, Catra didn’t know what happened to make him so angry that he needed to torment her consciousness to feel better. 

Later, she learned that it was Adora, toppling his empire planet by planet, getting ever closer to destroying his eternity’s mission.

Catra learned to live with the Dream to the point that she forgot it wasn’t real. Fake-Adora and regular Adora meddled together until they were one. Catra finally accepted the happiness not as an alternative to the Green Place but as something real.

Then she woke up. For good.

_ ** the first day ** _

Her eyes opened blurrily, sleep still fogging her head and making her feel heavy. She twitched her fingers and groaned. Something was wrong. This wasn’t her bed. This wasn’t Bright Moon.

“Catra?” a concerned voice asked to her side. Catra didn’t recognize it through the buzzing in her ears. 

“Glimmer?” Sparkles woke her up to chat sometimes since Catra was technically a royal advisor. Even if her job was mostly an excuse to attend official meetings and sit on Adora’s lap.

The voice, which was definitely coming from her right, made a choking sound. The buzzing died down a little, and Catra could hear the voice taking a deep breath. The sound stopped and the voice spoke again.

“No, Catra. It’s not….. Glimmer.” That was a male voice, so it wasn’t Glimmer. There’s was only one guy in her inner circle.

“Bow?” Catra’s head tilted to the side so she could look at him. He didn’t look like himself. His crop top was gone, as were the earrings he shared with Glimmer. Even his hair was different. Worst of all, he wasn’t smiling. “What’s wrong?” her voice sounded grated and it kept cracking. Must have been that speech she gave yesterday.

“What do you remember?” Bow asked instead of answering. Something wasn’t right.

“I was at the rededication of the Fright Zone.” She coughed, her voice burning as it passed through her throat. “Scorpia finally fixed it up enough to claim it officially as her kingdom.” Bow looked pained.

“Bow.” Catra tried again. “What’s wrong? Where’s Glimmer? You two are always attached at the hip. Is she at the park with Sparkles Junior or something? You should have told me, I would have had you take Fi-”

“Glimmer’s not here.” Bow cut off. He looked down at his lap and blinked rapidly like he might cry. “She’s not at the park either. We- we don’t have a kid. We never will.” Something heavy settled in Catra’s chest.

“I’m awake.” The Dream was never sad. Prime kept her complicit with happy thoughts she wouldn’t fight against. “Really awake.”

“I know this must be a shock for you. Is there anything-”

“How long?” her voice was still quiet and gravelly from disuse, but she tried her best to be demanding.

“Catra, I think you should ease into-”

“HOW. LONG?”

“By Entrapta’s estimate, eight years.” Bow said softly. 

“Eight years.” She repeated, turning her head away from Bow to stare at the ceiling. So this wasn’t her bedroom with Adora in Bright Moon. That had been the Dream. Here, in the real world, Catra was alone in her bed with Bow by her side, somewhere that _definitely_ wasn’t Bright Moon. It was too dark, too cold. 

“What are you thinking?” Bow asked tentatively. Catra was thinking about the Dream. How Finn had just been born, how Glimmer and Bow were already expecting their second kid. How perfect everything was. How that perfection felt so wrong now that she wasn’t immersed in it.

Catra said nothing, but she pushed herself into a seated position. Bow looked up in alarm. She must look as bad as she felt.

“Catra, wait a minute-” but she was already climbing shakily to her feet, heading for the little dresser pressed against the wall. “Go back to bed.” Bow jumped after her, but she was already crossing the room.

“No.” Catra growled. “I’m done sleeping.” She grabbed the dresser with both hands and looked up, facing down the mirror. Her eyes widened at what she saw, and Bow backed away slowly.

She had four eyes, two green ones on the right side of her face as well as her regular blue and yellow ones. Her shoulders, exposed by the loose nightshirt she wore, had two gaping holes that looked like tubes into her body. From the strange sensation on her back, she suspected she had a few more. When she reached up to touch her face, she noticed the claw on both her pointer fingers were permanently extended.

“What-” her voice sounded wrong to her own ears continued to grate her throat. “What did he do to me?”

_ ** the third day ** _

When she fell asleep after waking up, her dreams weren’t the happy ones Prime used to keep her in line. They showed her the real world, flashes of things she did while Horde Prime controlled her body. She heard herself laugh while choking the life out of innocent people. In her head, she could hear the terrible consciousness of Horde Prime thinking his thoughts with her brain. He was happy to see those people perish. They were dissenters. _Rebels_.

Catra’s eyes opened slowly, and she saw Adora sitting by in the chair beside Catra’s bed. She didn’t look like Fake-Adora, with all her nice jewelry and fancy clothes being Etheria’s champion had afforded her. Real-Adora was even more beautiful. She had an edge to her, something Catra’s dreams lacked. It was a small spark of realness that couldn’t be replicated by fantasy.

“Hey, Adora.” Catra said softly. Adora jumped at the sound. She turned to the bed with wide-eyes, like she’d been caught.

“I’ll go!” she yelped without explanation and all-but dashed to the door.

“Adora, get back here.” Catra’s voice was still so painful to use. She wondered how often Prime used her vocal cords in the last eight years. Few of her memories of hosting him had her voice in them. It was mainly to disturb people who knew his voice or trick people listening for it. 

Her voice was just a rasp, but Adora stopped like she had been commanded. She turned to face Catra.

“You don’t want to see me,” she said matter-of-factly. 

“And why not?” Catra quirked an eyebrow up, genuinely curious.

“Because I left you behind. Over and over again.” Adora’s voice broke a little. “And then he hurt you, just to hurt me.”

“Don’t be so self-centered, idiot.” Catra rolled her eyes, giving herself vertigo when the two new ones moved as well. “The world doesn’t revolve around you. I made my own choices. Now I have to live with them, right?”

“I should have gone back, even though I thought you were gone, so I could be sure.” Adora stood hovering before the doorway, hand on the knob of the closed door.

“I told you not to come back. You actually listened to me for once.” Catra thought of the Dream, where Adora _did_ return for her. They had fought while she still only chipped instead of inhabited, and at the end, Adora had walked away with Catra in her arms. Catra wondered if that would have really happened if Adora had come back, or if Prime would have just killed Catra, his need for her exhausted. She’d never know.

“I should have known better.” Adora tried to joke, but Catra winced. It was true. When had listening to Catra ever done any good?

“You shouldn’t dwell on it,” Catra said. She nodded her head towards the little chair. Adora hesitantly let go of the knob and sat back down. There was silence for a minute.

“I missed you.” Adora said when the silence grew deafening. Catra still wasn’t used to quiet. The hivemind had been so loud in the Green Place, and when she was dreaming, she was always around other people. Quiet was nonexistent. “I have no right to have missed you, but I did. So much.”

Adora’s word hung in the air. Catra smiled, just a little. It was _her_ first smile in many years, even if Prime leered with her mouth repeatedly.

“I missed you too.” Even with Fake-Adora, Catra did miss Real-Adora sometimes. There was no viable substitute for her. “It’s been a long eight years.” It had been a long _eleven_ years, a long series of endless hours and unbearable days without Adora. Ever since she left (the first time), Catra had been slowly falling apart. Now, when it felt like she’d been smashed to splinters, Adora was here to help her reassemble instead of throwing her in the trash where the broken things belonged. 

Catra’s smile widened. If that wasn’t peak Real-Adora, then nothing was.

_ ** The fifth through tenth days ** _

Waking up was like being born again. Catra had a new body, a new outlook on life, and a new universe to explore with the Horde all but gone. It had been nearly a decade since she’d lived in her own body, and everything felt like a first. 

The first time she ate real food was hard. It was delicious after so long with nothing but that sick fluid Prime and the clones subsided on, but she ate far too much for her unprepared stomach and spent the night throwing up green. Still, there was something satisfying about flushing the remnants of Prime’s last meal and knowing she had managed to remove a little bit of him from inside her.

The first time showering was wrong. The water itself wasn’t so bad. As much as she hated water, she had gotten over the phobia during her time in the Dream. 

No, what was wrong was her own body. Nothing was familiar anymore. She had ports running down her back, though Bow had made her some plugs for them, those two new eyes that moved on their own, and her hair was almost completely gone, not that she didn’t still manage to find stray wires caught in her sheared mane. Adora had removed the headdress she had worn while Prime inhabited her, the one with tubes that interlocked into her ports, but Adora couldn’t get the thing entirely off. So Catra had to stand in the shower and pick wires out of her hair like pieces of dirt.

When she walked out again, she stood in front of the mirror and stared at herself. She was in horrible health from being fed only some unknown fluid and seldom leaving Prime’s throne. He spent most of her days simply sitting there, surveying and expanding his empire. Catra was glad for the Dream. Otherwise, it would have been a boring eight years of watching Prime sit in his chair and only stand to occasionally take care of some dissenters. 

On her first trip out of her bedroom, Adora was there. Catra was still weak, hardly able to walk and not that much better at standing. Being the hero she was, Adora held Catra up at first and eventually resorted to carrying her when she complained about how slow she was. Catra had always felt safest in Fake-Adora’s arms. Real-Adora wasn’t as warm, and her arms were much more muscular from so long at war, but Catra cuddled into them as best she could without making her carrier uncomfortable. 

Catra and Adora were married in the Dream, lived together, had a kid. Of all the things in the Dream, Catra missed being so close with Adora. These were the first times Adora had spent with Catra in eleven years, but Catra had nearly a decade with some semblance of Adora. Catra had long overcome her first instinct to push Adora away and accepted that she was in love with Adora. She wanted to be with Adora and live a life with her.

But Adora wasn’t there yet. While Catra had made up with Adora, Adora had yet to make up with Catra. So Catra kept her hands to herself and let Adora make all the moves. Adora had made exactly zero moves so far.

“We’re here.” Adora placed Catra back on her feet outside of the little greenhouse. Catra walked in on her own and took a deep breath. The greenhouse was filled with Etherian plants Perfuma grew to immortalize the destroyed world. The air inside the garden smelled like home. Catra smiled, but Adora grimaced slightly next to her. Catra’s face fell. The smile probably reminded Adora of…… someone else.

“This place is beautiful,” Catra told Adora, slowly wandering through the rows of plants.

“I didn’t take you for a nature-lover.” Adora said simply.

“It’s been a while.” Catra returned. “Things change. People change.”

“You’re so different now.” Adora’s words were almost a whisper. “I thought you’d still be angry or resent me for leaving you.”

“I’ve had a lot of time to think.” Understatement of the decade. “I realized being angry never made me happy. I was trying to guard myself and stop anyone from getting close so I wouldn’t get hurt. All I did was push people away, people who could have helped me. If I want to be happy, I need to stop building walls and build bridges instead.” She flashed back to all those sessions with Perfuma, ones that had never happened but still were filled with good advice and revelations.

“I always thought being angry was a part of who you were. It’s a part of who I am, especially now.” Adora sighed.

“An emotion isn’t your personality, Adora. People are more complicated than that.”

“I’m not. All I am is a tool of revenge, and now I don’t even have that. I fulfilled my purpose and destroyed Prime, but I couldn’t save Etheria, couldn’t save you. I failed and then succeeded too late, and now I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

“You didn’t fail.” Catra said firmly, turning around from the daisies she was admiring to stare the taller girl down. 

“But-”

“No, listen to me.” Catra put her hands on Adora’s shoulders, partly to comfort her and partly to hold herself up. “You are not a failure. You are defined by a single mistake.”

“Our home is gone! I can never take that back, never live it down.”

“You think _I_ don’t know what it’s like to make mistakes? To hurt people?” Catra threw her arms in the air.

“That’s different.” Adora sighed.

“You’re damn right it is. You didn’t do anything, Adora. Etheria got destroyed and there was nothing you could have done.”

“Everyone is gone because of me. Is that a _single mistake_?” Adora bowed her head and stared at the ground.

“You’re still here.” Catra smiled a little, keeping her expression soft. Adora didn’t flinch that time. “I’m still here. Bow, Perfuma, Sea Hawk, Mermista, and surely some others scattered around the quadrant. We made it.” Adora lifted her head and met Catra’s eyes with her watery ones. Hesitantly, she pulled Catra into a hug, which the other girl happily returned.

“You’re really here, aren’t you.” Adora whispered.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Catra whispered back, squeezing her Adora tightly as she dared.  _Home isn’t gone. Home is where we’re together. If only I could find home again._

_ ** the thirty-fifth day ** _

_ Little Sister, why do you disobey my commands? _

_ You should be happy. Soon you will be reunited with your Adora, both basking in my light. _

_ She has returned to Etheria. You received your wish of loneliness, Little Sister. You must suffer in her place, as you always do. _

_ It’s time now. You will receive all the power you’ve ever craved as my exalted vessel. How does it feel? _

_ I am sorry you must suffer. _

_ You should smile more, Little Sister. It suits you. _

Catra screamed herself out of her sleep, frozen instead of bolting up like she usually would. She frantically scanned her room with her eyes, even her head stuck in place. She felt cold and heavy, pinned down to the bed by the weight of her own limbs. Then, her head turned to the side against her will and she saw him, the dark bodiless shadow of Horde Prime’s consciousness. The thing was nothing but hovering darkness and four glowing green eyes, but Catra knew what Prime could do even without a body. The figure stood beside her bed, wispy hand coming up to place a finger under her chin.

_ Thought you could get away from me _ ? His voice was in her head instead of spoken.  _Prime sees all, Little Sister. You can never escape me and my eternal light._

“You’re not here.” Catra ground out, painfully forcing her jaw to move despite its heaviness.

_ I will always be here. I am you and you are me. You will offer yourself to me again, rest assured. We are eternal. We are one. _

As she unfroze and the shadow dissipated with a cold laugh, Catra knew there was only one to sever their connection. 

“Catra!” Adora threw open Catra’s door and tackled the other woman to the ground, throwing her off her windowsill. “What the hell?” the open window continued to loudly clatter in the night breeze as the two struggled on the floor.

“Let me go!” Catra shrieked, fighting against Adora’s larger, stronger body. “I need to kill him!”

“Prime’s gone. He can’t hurt you anymore.”

“He’ll never be gone, Adora! He’s _me_ , only I can-”

“You aren’t him, Catra. He was just using you. Nothing inside is different.”

“Adora, you don’t understand.” Catra gave up out of exhaustion and slumped to the ground in Adora’s hold. “I still hear him sometimes when I think something and I think it in his voice. I see him when I look in the mirror. I even sound like him. I know you see it too.”

Adora said nothing, and tears welled in Catra’s eyes. 

“I don’t belong to myself anymore.” She whispered.

“I know you. Better than Prime ever could. And all I see is you.” Adora told her gently, releasing her hold on Catra. Catra flung her hands around Adora’s back and pulled her down. Adora grunted but stayed on the floor as Catra cried into her chest. “He could never be you, and you could never be him. You’re too good.”

“No, I’m not. I’m wicked and we both know it.”

“You aren’t wicked. You’re just a little cracked inside, and that’s fixable.” Adora hesitantly put one of her hands against Catra’s side. Catra shivered but moved her arm around Adora’s torso to trap the hand there.

“Fix me.” Catra begged, knowing it wasn’t so simple. She’d been through this before, but it was so much harder. It was real this time.

“I’ll try.” Adora promised. Promises were sacred to them, and far too many had been broken for Adora to let such an important one go unheeded. “Just stay with me, Catra. I won’t leave you this time. Not ever again.”

_ ** the third month ** _

That night was Catra’s darkest, though it was far from smooth sailing afterward. Time went on, and things went up and down, but from then on out, Adora was there.

Ever since that day in the nursery and the subsequent night of saving Catra from herself, Adora had thrown herself into the project of helping Catra recover. She still visibly felt some guilt at what had happened, but Catra was very clear that Prime was entirely at fault and Adora had taken care of him. That didn’t stop Adora from casting guilty glances at Catra when she thought the other woman wasn’t looking, but it was a start.

After that night, Adora had started sleeping in Catra’s room to keep her company (and watch her more carefully). She started out on the floor, but throughout a phoeb, which was around a month in Etherian time by Catra’s best guess, Catra convinced her to share the bed. They always started the night on opposite sides, but after Adora comforting Catra through night terrors and Catra naturally seeking out Adora’s heat, they would wake up intertwined. It was a small victory in the endless hell-storm that was Catra’s life post-Prime.

Catra’s life on paper was pretty sweet. She had a nice room to herself, though she shared it with Adora unofficially. She was regaining her physical strength and putting curves back on the skeleton that was her body. She even remade some of her friends from the Dream. 

Catra had gone on her apology tour, but with far fewer people to apologize to and very little distance to cover, the whole tour took less than a solar cycle. Everyone had been very forgiving, and their reactions to apologies ranged from Mermista’s eye roll to Perfuma’s excited hugs. No one rejected her or didn’t forgive her. They figured she’d been through more than enough or had simply used the eight years of her absence to move past her actions. It was more than Catra deserved, but she was happy for the acceptance.

Still, even with how well things were going, some days were more challenging than others. 

She wanted to feel better. She felt like she _should_ be better. After all, living out your greatest fantasy for eight years was far from a traumatizing experience. Except that it was. 

Catra had been violated every second for nearly a decade, her body manipulated against her will and her deepest desires used to keep her compliant. Worst of all, Prime had made a shell of Catra, crafted her into something that would be empty and purposeless without a center. Prime had been Catra’s center, and with him gone, she could feel the absence he had carved in her to make room for his presence. 

Sometimes, late at night when she was alone with her thoughts, save for Adora’s snoring, Catra felt empty. There was a hole in her (several literal ones, too) that ached. Thoughts came in and out of her head, ones she knew didn’t come from her. Catra was somewhat convinced that Prime still existed somewhere deep in her head where she couldn’t see him, spending his time planting thoughts in Catra’s head or haunting her through nightmares.

Those were only the dark days, slowly becoming fewer and farther between. Most days were good. She was broken, but light was coming through the cracks. Catra’s life was finally starting again, brighter than ever before. It wasn’t the life she wanted, but just having a life was enough.

_ ** the day she stopped counting ** _

Slowly, Catra put herself back together. Adora helped as much as she could, but Adora was just the glue. Once Catra put a piece in place, Adora held it there. Catra had to put the pieces back on her own. It was a long journey, and she was nowhere near the end. Some nights, though, she would lay in bed reading with Adora and experience a moment of pure happiness the likes of which had been imaginable not too long ago. 

Catra would glance away from her book, look at Adora with a soft smile, and her loveable idiot would notice and rib her. They would laugh together and Catra’s chest would feel up to the brim with warmth. She would know right then that everything would be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Me first starting this fic: This will be a nice recovery fic about Catra's trauma with a happy ending.   
> Me halfway through: WhaT iS ReaLiTy??
> 
> This was so angsty (I don't write or read angst) that I could only write it at midnight or later. I don't know how happy I am with this story, but I sat on it for a while and couldn't think of anything to improve. However, I am making a third (and most likely final) oneshot that talks about what everyone else is doing while Catra has emotional breakdowns and Adora contemplates her self-worth. Spoiler, Bow is having a hard time and I've been ignoring him in favor of my traumatized lesbian babies (sorry my dude). If there's anyone specific or some aspect of this world that you'd like to learn about in the final installment, let me know in the comments. I love ideas (a very helpful commenter on "She's Gone" gave me the idea for Adora's guilt in this story) and I love suggestions. Makes my day.


End file.
